things are happening
things are happening. really happening. why am i surprised by what's happening when i did it myself?
i'm so relieved and happy. i love the little apartment. i love not dreading coming home because it reminds you of what your life is. i love everything about it. i love the way when you turn off all the lights to go to bed, you can see the outside opening up around you. i love the spanish tiles through the windows, the birdsong coming in from windows that don't latch completely. i love the oldness. the wires with no grounds and sparse outlets.
i think i will be fine on my own. i'm scared, but not of the things i thought i would be scared of. i'm not scared of being alone. not scared of people breaking in and getting me. not scared of taking a shower, or opening the windows, or coming home after dark.
i am scared of being divorced before my 1-year anniversary. of being far away from my family for once. of telling the people at work. of not knowing what comes next. its unknown. it's scary but so liberating. it's wonderful.
"we are very lost. and yet, it is an exhilarating feeling. for being lost implies the unknown, and that is exactly what we seek."
from the last expedition - gumball poetry.
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