have a crappy day

I wasn't ready for this yet. I wanted him to stay perfect.

Ok, it was just a teeny, tiny, lie, but it was horribly done. That little lie had like at least three big issues in it.

First, don't fuckin lie to me. Period. But especially when you were married when you started seeing me, still have an absolutely crazy wife that you will see very often, and have a business that will probably have you traveling all over the country. Because, in my experience, if you lie about one thing, you'll lie about anything.

Second, don't make me act like a petty bitch. We both know you're lying, don't make me have to prove it. I didn't even want to ask the questions, it was so lame. I almost didn't, I just thought ok, whatever, but when I was sitting in the bathtub, I realized that what you said to cover the lie was a lie. Emailing him when you first found out you needed them? That's what you had me do over the phone.

So, when exactly did you send the email the first time?
So, why did you have me send it again? So, you copied from my email and the text just changed?
You don't need to look into it, that's impossible.
You sent that many emails that you don't remember? What exactly did you have to send to him?
So, really only one email.
Who the fuck cares?

Funny thing is most people at that point would get mad, like, what don't you trust me. Or like, this is so stupid for you to be questioning me about. He was very nice, and patient, and explaining everything. Maybe because he's smart enough to know that acting defensive makes you seem like a liar. I'm scared that is exactly why he was so nice. Because he is a good liar. A people person? A con man? See, I've felt before that things didn't make sense, little stupid things, mostly stuff with his wife, but I never pushed it. I'm not going to. I'm not falling into that role, it's not one I want. So, I know this most likely isn't the first time he's lied to me.

I know it's such a little thing to lie about, normally I would laugh, but not in this case. I'm really mad about this--not the lie per say, but that things were so good and they might be fucked up because of the address he used in an email. That part makes me really mad.

Second issue. While we're on the subject, why isn't he changing his address on things anyway? What is that about? Whenever I try to talk about it he starts explaining who and what and why, but that's not what I want. And he knows it. I don't want him to say ok, I'll change everything either, I just want him to tell me why he isn't. Even if the answer is something I won't like. Especially then.

Because that's the third issue [boy, this transitioned well, didn't it]: I want someone who can tell me what they think or why they did things no matter what they think I will think. I hate a person who would lie simply because they are scared to tell me the truth. [Or embarrassed, or whatever.] That is so lame. He has no reasons yet and has already done it. He's never even seen me mad or act unreasonable [I don't think]. He didn't have to live through that fast food incident, when I cooked a nice dinner and my ex stopped by McDonald's on the way home. After that, all the Burger King bags and even KFC boxes stayed in his truck. That's somewhat understandable. This is not.

So, what do I do now? I don't want things to change. But they have, haven't they. And little things turn into big things and suddenly one day you're with someone you don't know or like. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but I promised myself I would be. I promised I wouldn't compromise at all, that next time as soon as I found something I couldn't live with I would bail. Why drag it out. People don't change. And I can't live without trust. You know, I was willing to put up with so much drama, I just wanted to be there for him and us both to be happy. Compared to all the other stuff this is nothing. So why is it more important to me? Maybe because all the other stuff isn't him, and this is.

What a crappy weekend it's going to be.