last night
i tried to sleep last night, i really tried. but i couldn't. so, after one night, i feel good, like i needed some time alone, some me time, but after two nights i am a wreck. when i did fall asleep, i had nightmares about him. i hate those kinds, the ones that are emotional nightmares as opposed to floods and fires and bad men. my dreams all feel so real. i woke up drained.
maybe because when i called last night (at 1 am on my way home), he didn't talk very much. he said he was sleeping, we'd talk tomorrow. i thought he might be mad. maybe because i felt guilty. i keep thinking when i was out that i needed to call him. i kept imagining i could lay in bed and hear his voice. i kept wanting to leave, but then i thought that was a stupid thing to think, because i was having fun and good conversation and nice people, and i felt bad that i'd rather be in my car where i could call him. i didn't want to be like this, but i am. i am in love.
c wanted me to meet someone. b's friend. he said, sit here in my chair for me while i get another one. right next to him, almost on top of him. no one's going to get your chair, i said. but he insisted. so, i sat down right next to the boy who was pretending not to notice anything and said, could you tell he wanted me to sit next to you? and it broke a little tension, we both laughed, then i pulled my chair away some and he said, thanks, i was feeling a little crowded, and we both laughed again. arkwardness narrowly avoided.
he was a nice guy, entertainng, seemed smart, but he wasn't you. and i want you. but how do you tell someone you have a boyfriend when you can't tell them who, when, where, or how? i tried the i'm not ready yet line, but c said, for what? to hook up. i just want to introduce you, he's not the type to hook up anyway, he said. so i said, then what's the point? but no luck. c locked up the door and made me exit through the bar, where of course, their was no exit.
you know, i like gay bars. the girls' bathroom lines are nonexistent. last night, i was literally the only female in the whole bar. it's nice being around all gay guys. it's refreshing. really is. they are just as crude and perverted as straight guys, but it's not uncomfortable. it's just funny, not creepy because it's not directed at you. there's not that uncomfortableness of having to make small talk. or whatever. i think it's good for me. it's tiring to constantly be on the lookout for creepiness.
and it's constant song and dance. literally. k is always belting out show tunes, m is always performing some dramatic monolougue, and when b starts talking about drag queen movies he acts out the scene. last night he did "the bug" and "the roach" from hairspray. hilarious.
last night i said, you know, i'm the only woman here. usually, it would be like great, no competition, but that's really not the case at all. m laughed. then he said something really sweet. he said, i bet you don't ever have competition, you're so pretty. k and i were talking about you a little while ago, how you can probably work it when you want to. [let me just say that all of these gay men look better than i do, they spend more time on hair and outfits and sometimes makeup and just generally looking good. i show up in tshirts and ponytails with little or no makeup, they must think i'm crazy.] he said, sometimes when your just sitting there, you get a few minutes of that self-confidence come over your face, that working it look. i bet sometimes you wake up and are just like i'm going crazy tonight, i'm going to work it.
ok, let's just say the closest i ever come to that is i'm getting drunk tonight [which probably is my working it, since then i'll dance or do whatever all night and never worry about being self-conscious] and even that i haven't done in a good six months. but it was sweet, what he said, non-the-less.
maybe because when i called last night (at 1 am on my way home), he didn't talk very much. he said he was sleeping, we'd talk tomorrow. i thought he might be mad. maybe because i felt guilty. i keep thinking when i was out that i needed to call him. i kept imagining i could lay in bed and hear his voice. i kept wanting to leave, but then i thought that was a stupid thing to think, because i was having fun and good conversation and nice people, and i felt bad that i'd rather be in my car where i could call him. i didn't want to be like this, but i am. i am in love.
c wanted me to meet someone. b's friend. he said, sit here in my chair for me while i get another one. right next to him, almost on top of him. no one's going to get your chair, i said. but he insisted. so, i sat down right next to the boy who was pretending not to notice anything and said, could you tell he wanted me to sit next to you? and it broke a little tension, we both laughed, then i pulled my chair away some and he said, thanks, i was feeling a little crowded, and we both laughed again. arkwardness narrowly avoided.
he was a nice guy, entertainng, seemed smart, but he wasn't you. and i want you. but how do you tell someone you have a boyfriend when you can't tell them who, when, where, or how? i tried the i'm not ready yet line, but c said, for what? to hook up. i just want to introduce you, he's not the type to hook up anyway, he said. so i said, then what's the point? but no luck. c locked up the door and made me exit through the bar, where of course, their was no exit.
you know, i like gay bars. the girls' bathroom lines are nonexistent. last night, i was literally the only female in the whole bar. it's nice being around all gay guys. it's refreshing. really is. they are just as crude and perverted as straight guys, but it's not uncomfortable. it's just funny, not creepy because it's not directed at you. there's not that uncomfortableness of having to make small talk. or whatever. i think it's good for me. it's tiring to constantly be on the lookout for creepiness.
and it's constant song and dance. literally. k is always belting out show tunes, m is always performing some dramatic monolougue, and when b starts talking about drag queen movies he acts out the scene. last night he did "the bug" and "the roach" from hairspray. hilarious.
last night i said, you know, i'm the only woman here. usually, it would be like great, no competition, but that's really not the case at all. m laughed. then he said something really sweet. he said, i bet you don't ever have competition, you're so pretty. k and i were talking about you a little while ago, how you can probably work it when you want to. [let me just say that all of these gay men look better than i do, they spend more time on hair and outfits and sometimes makeup and just generally looking good. i show up in tshirts and ponytails with little or no makeup, they must think i'm crazy.] he said, sometimes when your just sitting there, you get a few minutes of that self-confidence come over your face, that working it look. i bet sometimes you wake up and are just like i'm going crazy tonight, i'm going to work it.
ok, let's just say the closest i ever come to that is i'm getting drunk tonight [which probably is my working it, since then i'll dance or do whatever all night and never worry about being self-conscious] and even that i haven't done in a good six months. but it was sweet, what he said, non-the-less.
posted by korryne at 6:19 AM
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