right now
and after a few hours to think it over, this is what i sent...
You distract me, I can't think clearly around you. When I'm around you, all I can think about is how much I like you and want things to be good for you, instantly better. But, right now, I'm only sort of okay, I'm sure it's temporary. I know we talked a lot last night, but I want you to read this anyway.
I do love you and trust you. I even understand, really I do. I understand why you would be in the habit of instinctually lying to avoid potential confrontation. It's only natural. I think that's what happened. I don't think you thought about it. I don't think you intentionally lied to me (at first, but then you did, which is different). And I also don't think it's the first time. I've felt before things that didn't make sense, little stupid things, mostly stuff with her, but not important stuff, so I never pushed it. I'm not going to. I'm not falling into that role; it's not one I want. But I also don't want you to lie to me about anything (no matter how small), accidentally or instinctually (or intentionally). Can you can change that? If you can, then this is not something that's going to destroy our relationship. If you can't, then it will.
Now, here's the part I'm not so sure about, because here I might just be being crazy or overreacting... but whenever you talk about changing you're address, you start explaining who and what and why. That's not what I want. But I also don't want you to just say ok, I'll change everything either. That's worse to me. I just want an honest answer. Even if the answer is something you don't think I will like. Or even if it's that you don't want to talk about it. Whatever it is. Nothing you can say will change the way I feel about you, you need to know that. Nothing. I hate when a person would lie simply because they are scared to tell me the truth (or embarrassed, or whatever).
I want someone who can tell me what they think or why they did things no matter what they think I will think. I want us both to be completely open and honest with each other no matter what it means or might mean. I need that. Because little things turn into big things and suddenly one day you're with someone you don't know or like. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but I promised myself I would be. I promised I wouldn't compromise on things like this.
I can't remember if we've talked before about this or not, I think we did. But one of my biggest problems with X was that he lied about stupid things. One time that stands out is when I called to see if he had eaten dinner yet and he said no even though he was at McDonald's eating at the time. We fought terribly because he had lied. I couldn't comprehend why he would lie over something like that. And all it was is that he didn't want to disappoint me, because I didn't cook too often and he thought I might be cooking dinner. I can understand the logic, but it's still unacceptable. Even tiny, unimportant, accidental lies count because when you need trust for the bigger things, the important things, it has already been shaken.
Now, I do love you terribly. I also feel a lot better just sending you this email. I love you and I'm not mad and I think we will have a good weekend. I'm sure there are some things that will come up for both of us, especially because we both do have pasts and past issues. But I also think that the little things like this that happen are incredibly miniscule compared to how amazingly wonderful and happy and smart and special you make me feel. So what do you think?
You distract me, I can't think clearly around you. When I'm around you, all I can think about is how much I like you and want things to be good for you, instantly better. But, right now, I'm only sort of okay, I'm sure it's temporary. I know we talked a lot last night, but I want you to read this anyway.
I do love you and trust you. I even understand, really I do. I understand why you would be in the habit of instinctually lying to avoid potential confrontation. It's only natural. I think that's what happened. I don't think you thought about it. I don't think you intentionally lied to me (at first, but then you did, which is different). And I also don't think it's the first time. I've felt before things that didn't make sense, little stupid things, mostly stuff with her, but not important stuff, so I never pushed it. I'm not going to. I'm not falling into that role; it's not one I want. But I also don't want you to lie to me about anything (no matter how small), accidentally or instinctually (or intentionally). Can you can change that? If you can, then this is not something that's going to destroy our relationship. If you can't, then it will.
Now, here's the part I'm not so sure about, because here I might just be being crazy or overreacting... but whenever you talk about changing you're address, you start explaining who and what and why. That's not what I want. But I also don't want you to just say ok, I'll change everything either. That's worse to me. I just want an honest answer. Even if the answer is something you don't think I will like. Or even if it's that you don't want to talk about it. Whatever it is. Nothing you can say will change the way I feel about you, you need to know that. Nothing. I hate when a person would lie simply because they are scared to tell me the truth (or embarrassed, or whatever).
I want someone who can tell me what they think or why they did things no matter what they think I will think. I want us both to be completely open and honest with each other no matter what it means or might mean. I need that. Because little things turn into big things and suddenly one day you're with someone you don't know or like. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but I promised myself I would be. I promised I wouldn't compromise on things like this.
I can't remember if we've talked before about this or not, I think we did. But one of my biggest problems with X was that he lied about stupid things. One time that stands out is when I called to see if he had eaten dinner yet and he said no even though he was at McDonald's eating at the time. We fought terribly because he had lied. I couldn't comprehend why he would lie over something like that. And all it was is that he didn't want to disappoint me, because I didn't cook too often and he thought I might be cooking dinner. I can understand the logic, but it's still unacceptable. Even tiny, unimportant, accidental lies count because when you need trust for the bigger things, the important things, it has already been shaken.
Now, I do love you terribly. I also feel a lot better just sending you this email. I love you and I'm not mad and I think we will have a good weekend. I'm sure there are some things that will come up for both of us, especially because we both do have pasts and past issues. But I also think that the little things like this that happen are incredibly miniscule compared to how amazingly wonderful and happy and smart and special you make me feel. So what do you think?
posted by korryne at 7:27 PM
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