survival

well, i survived. was it fun? no, i missed going to sleep next to him, and waking up. i woke up super early. i felt like at home, when i would think of him first thing in the morning and not know when or if i would see him or hear his voice. so, it wasn't fun but it was fine.

you know, i guess it will be like this a lot. and where will i live after? on weekends or weeks or whenever when his kids are here? i guess i shouldn't get too cozy, cause there will be a forever of this to look forward too.

i got so mad this morning. looking around the apartment. shaking glass out of my clothes and towels. how could she have made such a mess in so short of a time?

my glasses are warped, they were covered with beer and soy sauce. you know she broke a little purse my neice (my other sort of one) made for me last Christmas. A little ceramic purse with a gold chain handle. she painted it and glued fake jewels to it. it was really precious to me. i started to take it home the other day, but i was worried about it getting messed up in my purse. just lovely.

it makes me so mad that she can act like that, break my stuff, destroy everything, hurt her kids, and nothing happens to her. she can still make her evening appointment with her girlfriends, or whatever she has planned. she just gets away with it. with not acting normal. with doing whatever the hell she wants. and what happens? people say, she's such a good mother. what a wonderful person. what is the world coming to?

and i think that once this is over. once it's all final, she's not going to go away. i bet anytime we have anything planned or happening, she'll find a way to mess it up. that's what worries me, that if this thing does last, things will be fucked up forever.

i don't want a bad life. i don't want to be forever halfway in his life. i don't want to not be allowed at his kids birthday parties, or whatever. i hate that. right now, i don't care, it's normal right now. i don't even want to meet his kids until all this is over. i hated that day at mcdonalds. i don't want it to be like that. but one day, say we do get married, or really move in together, or something. what happens then? surely, i will have to meet her. i don't want it to be like in those movies. but i guess i can't worry about that yet. there's enough other things to worry about.

i think the best thing is to just go about my life as planned, and not worry too much about him or her or what's going to happen. just worry about me right now.