wasted
yesterday was so tense. we had a weird moment. i was clingy and ultrasensitive. i was freaked out about the semi-tantrum i threw over the roomate-entertaining drunk girls-wedding ring picture. he was stressed about his research talk and upset about having bought powerpoint for $250 and only realizing during installation that it was already on the computer. i thought he had an attitude and he thought i was mad that he was working at home. we went back and forth: are you mad at me? no, are you mad at me? do you still love me? yes, do you still love me?
finally, do you think we are too sensitive? YES. do you think we overtalk everything? YES. and no. i love communication. in that respect he's the perfect man. not only is he willing to let me verbally analyze every little thing that occurs, he actively participates and even begins some of the discussion. and he doesn't mind going over the same thing again and again. perfect. except that he's feeding a neurosis that i inherited from my mother and have been fighting twenty six years to break.
he worked while i organized pictures on my new laptop. he looked over my shoulder.
is that him?
yes.
you don't have to delete them.
i want to. do you want to see my wedding pictures?
and he said sure.
i had the prettiest wedding, the most beautiful day. if you didn't know better, if you were just looking from outside, you'd think it was perfect. and the wedding was. but even then i knew that he was wrong.
then he brought out the two photo albums she left tied with a big white satin bow around them. do you want to see these? i knew it was a bad idea, but i said ok anyway. i hate seeing him like that. young. in new york. studying. their first apartment. graduation. breakfast in bed on his birthday, shirtless. adorable. holding a big bouquet of flowers out for her. and her stupid cutesy captions typed out in pink and black next to everything. i can't think of him like that. i want him to be just mine. i want to be his memories. i knew i shouldn't have looked.
i think that's why i don't take pictures like i used to. it's so pointless. so fake. wasted energy, wasted emotions, useless memories. i have all of these pictures from the past. smiling and happy with someone. but i don't want pictures of it, i want to still be smiling and happy.
finally, do you think we are too sensitive? YES. do you think we overtalk everything? YES. and no. i love communication. in that respect he's the perfect man. not only is he willing to let me verbally analyze every little thing that occurs, he actively participates and even begins some of the discussion. and he doesn't mind going over the same thing again and again. perfect. except that he's feeding a neurosis that i inherited from my mother and have been fighting twenty six years to break.
he worked while i organized pictures on my new laptop. he looked over my shoulder.
is that him?
yes.
you don't have to delete them.
i want to. do you want to see my wedding pictures?
and he said sure.
i had the prettiest wedding, the most beautiful day. if you didn't know better, if you were just looking from outside, you'd think it was perfect. and the wedding was. but even then i knew that he was wrong.
then he brought out the two photo albums she left tied with a big white satin bow around them. do you want to see these? i knew it was a bad idea, but i said ok anyway. i hate seeing him like that. young. in new york. studying. their first apartment. graduation. breakfast in bed on his birthday, shirtless. adorable. holding a big bouquet of flowers out for her. and her stupid cutesy captions typed out in pink and black next to everything. i can't think of him like that. i want him to be just mine. i want to be his memories. i knew i shouldn't have looked.
i think that's why i don't take pictures like i used to. it's so pointless. so fake. wasted energy, wasted emotions, useless memories. i have all of these pictures from the past. smiling and happy with someone. but i don't want pictures of it, i want to still be smiling and happy.
posted by korryne at 8:24 PM
3 Comments:
I can relate I had a perfect wedding by definition of wedding grand and everything but I wasn't happy now I have 4 albums of them all neatly organized at home and I dont want them...
oh btw that was my first one and i am happy now.
what kind of wedding did you have the second time? i mean these pictures i have are ridiculous, they are so fairy tale beautiful it makes me sick to look at them. and the worst are the cake ones because i just keep thinking i. wasted. four. afternoons. of. my. life. picking. out. that. freakin. icing.
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