a beach wedding

today is our six month anniversary he said. we've lived together officially for six months, he said. and i said we don't officially live together, remember? and we don't. i have my own mailing address. i pay rent. i just sleep over a lot...

today is the file day. he says, soon we can start making plans, won't that be great? but i'm not sure i want to make plans. i like this. i like this day by day and not knowing anything, just that you are in love, you are happy in the morning to wake up with him and happy at night falling asleep.

i don't think i can make plans with someone, knowing how things can end up. i can't make plans, it's too scary. it will be a constant reminder that there is no guarantee, no point really in making plans. it's easy to trust someone when you aren't expecting anything from them at all. i want it to be easy. i want to trust him. don't expect anything. that makes it ok.

i don't want plans. if i make plans, i'll want to know that they are real, really real, and how can you ever know that? i can't trust plans, i don't want to ever be blindsided again.

his dad called me. he flirted with me. he said he likes me. he said i make his son feel young. i like that his dad called me. he also said that i need to take my tongue ring out. i didn't tell him that his son likes it in...

he said his dad asked him what are your intentions, meaning me and him. he said we are enjoying each other right now. i don't like the way that sounds, but i guess it is true. that means we have no plans, isn't that what i want? maybe he could have said we're in love. but that's different isn't it. less provable. more abstract. and then people would still expect plans. enjoying each other is different. at dinner the next day i said is that it? are we just enjoying each other? so, just so i know, you have no intention whatsoever of ever marrying me? i may have phrased it differently. wow, nothing like putting me on the spot. and then we joked around some. i helped steer the conversation away, then i said i like how you evaded that. like he did it, but really i did too. maybe he thought i was drunk from the margaritas. i wasn't. i didn't want an answer. and when he tried, i said shhh and touched his mouth. i'm not sure what that i even want too, why press him to decide? i don't want to want to. i think i equal it with knowing you will live happily ever after. i think i have a romantic, idealized view of marriage, even still, isn't that funny?

today in the car he said something to the effect that when we are married, how are we going to keep it from being bad. and i said easy, don't get married. and he said i thought you wanted to.
nope.
but i thought we were having kids, have them out of wedlock?
no kids.
but you said you wanted too.
maybe one day, not now.
but one day...
then silence. he must be confused, i know i am.

then i say: i do want to get married. i want to be married. i love weddings. i want to get married on the beach. really i just want to have beautiful pictures and be able to look at them and see the man i want to be with forever, to spend my whole life with. that's what i want. i say it all in one breath.

and he says really? because, i have a white linen shirt and khakis that i'd love to get married in. that's what it's like with him. i love him.