but you are my hero

it scares me to think about my life without you in it. i need you. you are supposed to be my hero. please don't leave me. i can't be this alone.

make me happy forever

i think we might have finally found the someones who will make us happy forever. she said those words to me. i thought it was sweet of her. naive, but sweet. but it was such a nice thought. i tried to let it go, but instead i told you what she said. you smiled. i smiled for days thinking about it. happy forever. and today she called again. she said she didn't know what happened, or how or when it happened. she said everything is different. she was broken-hearted.

and for a moment i trusted her premonitions.

when she calls

remember when we were on the sofa watching tv? you asked if it makes me mad when she calls. i don't think i answered you. maybe i said no, it doesn't. it doesn't. it used to be shocking. every time disturbing, but i'm used to it now. it just is. it doesn't make me mad, but it makes me sad to hear the way you speak to her. your voice. you sound so unexpectedly tender. you sound resigned. you say all right a lot, or okay on your end. and i can only imagine what sort of things she is telling you. it confuses me to hear you talk to her. reminds me of your life when i'm not there. reminds me that i shouldn't be here in your life at all. i don't fit in. i am lost. so why am i here?

that night she called at two in the morning. it woke both of us up. you voice was so calm. you said it's two. then you said me too. then you said bye and hung up. i could tell your body had stiffened and your eyes were staring into the night. you turned to the side and i wrapped my arms around you. i couldn't sleep anymore. when we awoke again in the morning you were dressed and showered even before i opened my eyes. standing on the side of the bed. she stole the morning from me. you propping up your pillow and sitting next to me with coffee, my head in your lap. me watching you get out of bed, into the shower, into clothes to start the day. your day started before i woke up. you told me she called to tell you that she loves you.

and i heard you say me too...

new york

New York. For the first time in my life. And he said he could see me living there. He said I was perfect.

We didn't see the Statue of Liberty or Times Square or even China Town. But we did see Central Park before and after snow, East Village, and a whole lot of the Upper East side of Manhattan. We rode the subway (I even did it alone once), rode the tram to Roosevelt Island, went to the Met, and found our very own cafe for coffee, cheesecake, and pizza. And lots of hot chocolate.

The first day it was just cold. We walked through Central Park and stopped at a restaurant. We drank hot chocolate in glasses with straws in leather chairs in front of a fire. And as we walked back out into the park, it started snowing. And snowing and snowing.

I've never been so cold in all my life. Even with long johns and double socks. It was a blizzard I guess, but I liked that most people were inside due to the weather, so you have more of the town to yourself. I went coat and glove shopping before we left, thank god. I bought a bright orange coat (there's not much coat selection in New Orleans), fuschia leather gloves and terribly long scarf, and got to wear the adorable hat I picked up at Christmas. I thought I was prepared for snow because of the little flurry we had on Christmas Day (what a miracle), but this was real snow. The streets and sidewalks were covered with it. We were covered with it. The snow in my hair melted and refroze. His beard was covered with frozen drops. How lovely. I made snow balls and threw them. And stomped knee high into snow banks. It was so lovely.

Our hotel room was tiny (cozy) and high so you could see the city out of the two windows. It's so beautiful at night. I always like cities better at night. Just blurry lights and shapes in the sky. New York is huge though, you can see it everywhere you look. The people were unexpectedly charming. I mean really nice. Not at all like they show on television. We were in our cafe holding hands and being silly. I had noticed the couple at the next table look at us, and on their way
out the woman stopped and came back to our table. "Excuse me, but I have to ask if you are married, my husband and I have a bet." No, we're not. Her husband won.

"See, I told you people don't act in love like that after they're married." She was disappointed. She really wanted us to be both married and in love. She still thought it was possible. I think I still do too. I think it may just be a matter of making sure you marry the right person and making sure you hold them close.