pasts

we went out for crawfish and beer. pantera. that got me talking. too much. i said did i say too much. and he said i want to know everything.

but i don't want you to change the way you look at me. and he said we both have pasts, i would change nothing, everything in your past is what makes you you. and i love you.

but i know he was upset to think about it. and i hadn't thought about that stuff in years. and i could remember whole scenes, holograms in my mind. overwhelming memories, overwhelming in the sense that i can feel exactly what i felt at that moment, uncertainty, embarrassment, mixed with something else...

trees

he dislikes pine trees, who's branches grow in right angles. (but he likes cypress trees?) pine trees, they don't provide shade and the whole sap thing is a problem. he likes oak trees-- he likes trees that sprawl, that are more evolved.

he's into technology and innovation, but says he cherishes quaintness and history.

he wants an antique boat and an amphibious airplane. he wants a house on the lake, and one on a beach, and one in the mountains. all i want is a porch swing.

everything

he said i am his everything. he said he loves me so much.
and i said how much. he said as far as the east is from the west.
and he said he will love me forever.

the existence of ether

i love that he makes me think of magical things, things that don't have any use in the real world. he likes to talk about things and learn about things and explain things to me. that's what i love so much about him. he knew so many definitions of ether, when i barely knew one. and he knew exactly how to say it. i had to take the time and space book out because i only vaguely remembered having seen it before, at first i thought it was her name. he uses words like the propagation of light in normal conversation. he is magical.

it's too soon, but that doesn't change anything

I've seen your face a thousand times.
Have all your stories memorized.
I've kissed your lips a million ways.
But I still love to have you around.
I've held you too many times to count.
I think I know you inside out.
And we’re together most days.
But I still love to have you around.
You’re the one I want and it's not just a phase.
You’re the one I trust, our love is THE REAL THING.

You’re a salty water ocean wave.
You knock me down, you kiss my face.
I know the storms will always come.
But I still love to have you around.
Heaven knows what will come next.
So emotional, you’re so complex.
A rollercoaster built to crash.
But I still love to have you around.

It’s you there when I close my eyes.
And you in the morning.
I never thought you’d still be mine.
Or I’d really need to have you around.
Don't go away. My love. I want you to stay. In my life.
Don’t go away. My lover. I need you, you’re my love supply.

gwen stefani, the real thing

come back

if i was sure before then now i am utterly convinced. yesterday, i just felt all day so overwhelmed by how much i love him. all i could do was think about him, smile. i felt like a teenager crushing madly, or that first love before everything crashes. maybe it is too soon, maybe i do need time alone, really alone, but so what. here he is and he is perfect and so what if it seems unlikely, or too much coincidence or what. maybe i wasn't as honest with myself in the beginning. maybe it was him. maybe he was special enough to pull me out of the quicksand, or make me pull myself out. maybe it was him since the beginning. so why should i struggle against it? i shouldn't and i won't. i'm so happy. i miss him, but it's bearable because i believe he's going to come back.