don't ever leave me

I love you.
I love you, so much.
Do you need me?
I need you. Don't ever leave me. I can't live without you.

Things are bad, and good. Sad, and happy. But sad too.

parties

she sent a birthday party invitation addressed to Daddy's Girlfriend*. and my sister thinks we should go.

*adulterous liason

i could be wrong...

he is so worried about the kids. he should be. he said how do you feel about me getting custody? and i said i think that would be great for them. he said but what about you? and i said what about me? and he said do you want two kids?

i don't know why things like that surprise me. things like we have a future, like this is real. maybe i think you shouldn't say those things out loud. like you're jinxing it or something. maybe because i know how quickly everything can change. today you're thinking about your future together and tomorrow he's only your past. maybe that won't happen to us. i can imagine only him forever. wouldn't that be so wonderful, so perfect. i'm not sure if i believe in happy endings. i'm not sure what i believe in anymore. only that right now, this is perfect. and right now is it.

they will love you, he said. and i said, i've always said i wanted kids but i don't want to have them. and he said perfect. and i said but i wanted a girl. and we were getting up so i don't know for sure, i could be wrong, but i think he said, well do you want to try?

dancing

where did all of this come from? how did i get so lucky? and how am i supposed to sit at my desk all day when i feel like dancing?

right now

and after a few hours to think it over, this is what i sent...

You distract me, I can't think clearly around you. When I'm around you, all I can think about is how much I like you and want things to be good for you, instantly better. But, right now, I'm only sort of okay, I'm sure it's temporary. I know we talked a lot last night, but I want you to read this anyway.

I do love you and trust you. I even understand, really I do. I understand why you would be in the habit of instinctually lying to avoid potential confrontation. It's only natural. I think that's what happened. I don't think you thought about it. I don't think you intentionally lied to me (at first, but then you did, which is different). And I also don't think it's the first time. I've felt before things that didn't make sense, little stupid things, mostly stuff with her, but not important stuff, so I never pushed it. I'm not going to. I'm not falling into that role; it's not one I want. But I also don't want you to lie to me about anything (no matter how small), accidentally or instinctually (or intentionally). Can you can change that? If you can, then this is not something that's going to destroy our relationship. If you can't, then it will.

Now, here's the part I'm not so sure about, because here I might just be being crazy or overreacting... but whenever you talk about changing you're address, you start explaining who and what and why. That's not what I want. But I also don't want you to just say ok, I'll change everything either. That's worse to me. I just want an honest answer. Even if the answer is something you don't think I will like. Or even if it's that you don't want to talk about it. Whatever it is. Nothing you can say will change the way I feel about you, you need to know that. Nothing. I hate when a person would lie simply because they are scared to tell me the truth (or embarrassed, or whatever).

I want someone who can tell me what they think or why they did things no matter what they think I will think. I want us both to be completely open and honest with each other no matter what it means or might mean. I need that. Because little things turn into big things and suddenly one day you're with someone you don't know or like. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but I promised myself I would be. I promised I wouldn't compromise on things like this.

I can't remember if we've talked before about this or not, I think we did. But one of my biggest problems with X was that he lied about stupid things. One time that stands out is when I called to see if he had eaten dinner yet and he said no even though he was at McDonald's eating at the time. We fought terribly because he had lied. I couldn't comprehend why he would lie over something like that. And all it was is that he didn't want to disappoint me, because I didn't cook too often and he thought I might be cooking dinner. I can understand the logic, but it's still unacceptable. Even tiny, unimportant, accidental lies count because when you need trust for the bigger things, the important things, it has already been shaken.

Now, I do love you terribly. I also feel a lot better just sending you this email. I love you and I'm not mad and I think we will have a good weekend. I'm sure there are some things that will come up for both of us, especially because we both do have pasts and past issues. But I also think that the little things like this that happen are incredibly miniscule compared to how amazingly wonderful and happy and smart and special you make me feel. So what do you think?

have a crappy day

I wasn't ready for this yet. I wanted him to stay perfect.

Ok, it was just a teeny, tiny, lie, but it was horribly done. That little lie had like at least three big issues in it.

First, don't fuckin lie to me. Period. But especially when you were married when you started seeing me, still have an absolutely crazy wife that you will see very often, and have a business that will probably have you traveling all over the country. Because, in my experience, if you lie about one thing, you'll lie about anything.

Second, don't make me act like a petty bitch. We both know you're lying, don't make me have to prove it. I didn't even want to ask the questions, it was so lame. I almost didn't, I just thought ok, whatever, but when I was sitting in the bathtub, I realized that what you said to cover the lie was a lie. Emailing him when you first found out you needed them? That's what you had me do over the phone.

So, when exactly did you send the email the first time?
So, why did you have me send it again? So, you copied from my email and the text just changed?
You don't need to look into it, that's impossible.
You sent that many emails that you don't remember? What exactly did you have to send to him?
So, really only one email.
Who the fuck cares?

Funny thing is most people at that point would get mad, like, what don't you trust me. Or like, this is so stupid for you to be questioning me about. He was very nice, and patient, and explaining everything. Maybe because he's smart enough to know that acting defensive makes you seem like a liar. I'm scared that is exactly why he was so nice. Because he is a good liar. A people person? A con man? See, I've felt before that things didn't make sense, little stupid things, mostly stuff with his wife, but I never pushed it. I'm not going to. I'm not falling into that role, it's not one I want. So, I know this most likely isn't the first time he's lied to me.

I know it's such a little thing to lie about, normally I would laugh, but not in this case. I'm really mad about this--not the lie per say, but that things were so good and they might be fucked up because of the address he used in an email. That part makes me really mad.

Second issue. While we're on the subject, why isn't he changing his address on things anyway? What is that about? Whenever I try to talk about it he starts explaining who and what and why, but that's not what I want. And he knows it. I don't want him to say ok, I'll change everything either, I just want him to tell me why he isn't. Even if the answer is something I won't like. Especially then.

Because that's the third issue [boy, this transitioned well, didn't it]: I want someone who can tell me what they think or why they did things no matter what they think I will think. I hate a person who would lie simply because they are scared to tell me the truth. [Or embarrassed, or whatever.] That is so lame. He has no reasons yet and has already done it. He's never even seen me mad or act unreasonable [I don't think]. He didn't have to live through that fast food incident, when I cooked a nice dinner and my ex stopped by McDonald's on the way home. After that, all the Burger King bags and even KFC boxes stayed in his truck. That's somewhat understandable. This is not.

So, what do I do now? I don't want things to change. But they have, haven't they. And little things turn into big things and suddenly one day you're with someone you don't know or like. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but I promised myself I would be. I promised I wouldn't compromise at all, that next time as soon as I found something I couldn't live with I would bail. Why drag it out. People don't change. And I can't live without trust. You know, I was willing to put up with so much drama, I just wanted to be there for him and us both to be happy. Compared to all the other stuff this is nothing. So why is it more important to me? Maybe because all the other stuff isn't him, and this is.

What a crappy weekend it's going to be.

detective

while you were doing your detective work, i was unfortunately learning more about you than i ever wanted to know. but i can tell you that if you think calling all night leaving messages, trying to knock down doors, breaking my things and threatening to make me lose my job is going to change the way i feel about him, then you really are crazy. if anything, it makes me feel stronger. like he needs me--needs protection, support, love, affection, normalcy. he deserves it. it makes me want to show both of us what a relationship should be like. i'm scared still, but it makes me feel righter, if that's possible.

i feel sorry for you. i know how bad i would feel if i did something to screw this up, as new and imperfect as it is, i would still regret it. so you, one day, might feel millions of times worse. because you had so much more than i do now. i'm going to try to remember that, and try to operate in love only and not in pain if i ever have to deal with you, because you seem to be in enough pain on your own.

last night

i tried to sleep last night, i really tried. but i couldn't. so, after one night, i feel good, like i needed some time alone, some me time, but after two nights i am a wreck. when i did fall asleep, i had nightmares about him. i hate those kinds, the ones that are emotional nightmares as opposed to floods and fires and bad men. my dreams all feel so real. i woke up drained.

maybe because when i called last night (at 1 am on my way home), he didn't talk very much. he said he was sleeping, we'd talk tomorrow. i thought he might be mad. maybe because i felt guilty. i keep thinking when i was out that i needed to call him. i kept imagining i could lay in bed and hear his voice. i kept wanting to leave, but then i thought that was a stupid thing to think, because i was having fun and good conversation and nice people, and i felt bad that i'd rather be in my car where i could call him. i didn't want to be like this, but i am. i am in love.

c wanted me to meet someone. b's friend. he said, sit here in my chair for me while i get another one. right next to him, almost on top of him. no one's going to get your chair, i said. but he insisted. so, i sat down right next to the boy who was pretending not to notice anything and said, could you tell he wanted me to sit next to you? and it broke a little tension, we both laughed, then i pulled my chair away some and he said, thanks, i was feeling a little crowded, and we both laughed again. arkwardness narrowly avoided.

he was a nice guy, entertainng, seemed smart, but he wasn't you. and i want you. but how do you tell someone you have a boyfriend when you can't tell them who, when, where, or how? i tried the i'm not ready yet line, but c said, for what? to hook up. i just want to introduce you, he's not the type to hook up anyway, he said. so i said, then what's the point? but no luck. c locked up the door and made me exit through the bar, where of course, their was no exit.

you know, i like gay bars. the girls' bathroom lines are nonexistent. last night, i was literally the only female in the whole bar. it's nice being around all gay guys. it's refreshing. really is. they are just as crude and perverted as straight guys, but it's not uncomfortable. it's just funny, not creepy because it's not directed at you. there's not that uncomfortableness of having to make small talk. or whatever. i think it's good for me. it's tiring to constantly be on the lookout for creepiness.

and it's constant song and dance. literally. k is always belting out show tunes, m is always performing some dramatic monolougue, and when b starts talking about drag queen movies he acts out the scene. last night he did "the bug" and "the roach" from hairspray. hilarious.

last night i said, you know, i'm the only woman here. usually, it would be like great, no competition, but that's really not the case at all. m laughed. then he said something really sweet. he said, i bet you don't ever have competition, you're so pretty. k and i were talking about you a little while ago, how you can probably work it when you want to. [let me just say that all of these gay men look better than i do, they spend more time on hair and outfits and sometimes makeup and just generally looking good. i show up in tshirts and ponytails with little or no makeup, they must think i'm crazy.] he said, sometimes when your just sitting there, you get a few minutes of that self-confidence come over your face, that working it look. i bet sometimes you wake up and are just like i'm going crazy tonight, i'm going to work it.

ok, let's just say the closest i ever come to that is i'm getting drunk tonight [which probably is my working it, since then i'll dance or do whatever all night and never worry about being self-conscious] and even that i haven't done in a good six months. but it was sweet, what he said, non-the-less.

survival

well, i survived. was it fun? no, i missed going to sleep next to him, and waking up. i woke up super early. i felt like at home, when i would think of him first thing in the morning and not know when or if i would see him or hear his voice. so, it wasn't fun but it was fine.

you know, i guess it will be like this a lot. and where will i live after? on weekends or weeks or whenever when his kids are here? i guess i shouldn't get too cozy, cause there will be a forever of this to look forward too.

i got so mad this morning. looking around the apartment. shaking glass out of my clothes and towels. how could she have made such a mess in so short of a time?

my glasses are warped, they were covered with beer and soy sauce. you know she broke a little purse my neice (my other sort of one) made for me last Christmas. A little ceramic purse with a gold chain handle. she painted it and glued fake jewels to it. it was really precious to me. i started to take it home the other day, but i was worried about it getting messed up in my purse. just lovely.

it makes me so mad that she can act like that, break my stuff, destroy everything, hurt her kids, and nothing happens to her. she can still make her evening appointment with her girlfriends, or whatever she has planned. she just gets away with it. with not acting normal. with doing whatever the hell she wants. and what happens? people say, she's such a good mother. what a wonderful person. what is the world coming to?

and i think that once this is over. once it's all final, she's not going to go away. i bet anytime we have anything planned or happening, she'll find a way to mess it up. that's what worries me, that if this thing does last, things will be fucked up forever.

i don't want a bad life. i don't want to be forever halfway in his life. i don't want to not be allowed at his kids birthday parties, or whatever. i hate that. right now, i don't care, it's normal right now. i don't even want to meet his kids until all this is over. i hated that day at mcdonalds. i don't want it to be like that. but one day, say we do get married, or really move in together, or something. what happens then? surely, i will have to meet her. i don't want it to be like in those movies. but i guess i can't worry about that yet. there's enough other things to worry about.

i think the best thing is to just go about my life as planned, and not worry too much about him or her or what's going to happen. just worry about me right now.

easy?

whoever said life was easy lied. but you know what, you have to take the good with the bad. and when you find something good, maybe you gotta put up with a lot of things. maybe you need that to make you appreciate it. maybe.

you know, i never even had to stop and wonder if he's worth it. sometimes, yes, i wonder if this is for nothing. if, at the end, things will just disintegrate or worse, something horrible will happen to make me think, you know, i never knew this person at all. not really. but those are just moments of thinking, what i feel tells me he's good, tells me he's genuine and good and will be good for me. not hurt me. i want to trust somebody. i don't want to look over my shoulder and wonder about things.

she said, the more i hear, the more i dislike him. and when i think about it like that, i feel the same way. but when i go with my heart, when i just feel him, i know it's real. and i know i can't lose this. sure, if something happened i would be ok. i would go on, live, breathe. i don't need him. i've never been so ok on my own as now. so sure of myself. but for whatever reason i found him now, and i don't intend to let him go over things that are out of his control. i want to be there for him. i want to be good for him. i want to have what i never had, to show him what he knew it could be like...

i like it when you say things that imply we have a future. of course we do, he said. we do. i think things could/will be so good for us. to wake up every day next to someone you can't get enough of. literally can't get enough of. [i read that today on a review for a musician. how can that be literally, i asked. how?] but anyway, to wake up across the bed and absolutely hate that you spent that time, however many hours or minutes you were asleep and across the bed, hate that you spent that time out of his arms, even though you were sleeping, when you could have been holding him. that's what every day could be like.

i love his face. i love sitting next to him. i just love everything about him. everything. because really, this other stuff isn't about him. it's not his fault. i want to be there when this is over. because maybe he doesn't, but i think he needs me.

i think, when i pray, i say thank you for giving me this person. thank you for giving me something so wonderful i couldn't have imagined i'd feel this way. i know you wouldn't have had me meet this person and feel this way if it wasn't right. because if it's not right then everything i know is wrong.

he said, am i worth this much trouble? and i said you're worth ten times this much trouble, maybe a hundred times worth this trouble. and what i meant was, you're worth a million times this much trouble. but i can't say that yet, can i?

it was only a kiss

It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

the beginning of this song reminds me so much of him. I remember that first kiss so vividly, and not because it was only a few months ago (it feels like decades have passed). because i've never been kissed quite like that. it was magical. i can honestly say that i wouldn't be here now if he wasn't such a freakin-amazing kisser.

again, what?

there's funny things he says and sweet things. like, i love the way you fit my body perfectly. things that make me think he just might feel the same way as i do, and then things that make me wonder what on earth he does think. like, do you feel like you're wasting time? no, do you? like, do you miss watching porn at home every night? what? like, do you really want to marry a gay man? again, what? did i do something to make you think that? i hope not...

me too

i'm glad you're my boyfriend, i say.
me too, he says, i'm glad you're my girlfriend.
are you just mine? i say.
just yours.
i like you being mine, i say.

no, really

ok, how stupid am i? no, really. someone needs to just give it to me straight. sure, he's great. the sex stuff has never been this perfect. he's kind and sensitive and is always saying the right things. he's smart and ambitious and successful. and he's madly, terribly, in love with me. (he didn't know what love is until he met me, love at first sight might i add, how sweet is that? i would think it's bullshit except he feels so genuine.)

and, after four months, he still talks to his wife (ex?) every day. still does everything she wants him to do. she still pays his bills (i mean writes them out and sends them in). he still leaves our apartment by 8:30 am on weekend days to be home before she goes where ever she's going for the day. and he still hasn't even told anyone that he's moved out. that they're separated, getting divorced. sure, his family know, but she told them. maybe his friends and some people at church know, but she told them too. when his friends confronted him, he told them he was having problems and they were being resolved. that means divorce, he said to me, but that could also mean a lot of other things. sure, she knows he's seeing someone, she figured that out on her own. and she still thinks they have a chance. he has kids, but come one, is that really all this is about?

voice mail

we are lying on the wooden floor of my apartment.

you have the most wonderful opportunity, she begins, to be free. The opportunity to be freer than you've ever been before... and then she goes through the list of what is wrong with him, from childhood crap, identity issues, work/business issues, to spirituality issues.

And honey, i don't like you very much either right now, but i still have love and passion for you, she says. then she attacks him again for bringing someone else into their lives, and says that god won't bless either of us.

then she says that i am a harlot, which to me is still name-calling even disguised as a biblical reference, and calls me the reason he doesn't like her anymore (although he says from the wedding day that he knew she was not who she pretended to be).

And after all of that that he makes me listen to, the only thing i can think to say is, how dare she call you honey...

some guys

there's something to say for guys who don't have crazy wives calling all night and leaving voice mail scripture references for them on your cell phone.

for guys who don't think they're about to be diagnosed with semi-terminal illnesses and have you seeing all of the symptoms (even though the tests come back negative).

for guys you can go out in public with and not have to hide the fact that you're living with them from your friends, family and virtually every other living person on the planet.

it's no wonder i'm having anxiety and panic attacks like never before. but you know, at night when it's just me and him, all the paranoia and other bullshit fades away, and it's so totally worth it.

the things he says...

i can't wait for this to be all over with, he says. and then he says, i am so excited about out future together. and i laugh, but inside i think, he sees me in his future!

and when my phone rings, he says, i'm not jealous, i just don't want you to fall in love with anyone else. and he says, i'm sorry, i just hate to think of you with anyone else, no matter how long ago it was.

and at night when we are sitting downstairs, he says, you are so beautiful. how did i get this lucky. and why are you with me?

and in the morning he says, i love my life. and part of what he means is that he loves me in it.

and then when i said, i think you needed someone, he says, no, i needed you...