things are happening

things are happening. really happening. why am i surprised by what's happening when i did it myself?

i'm so relieved and happy. i love the little apartment. i love not dreading coming home because it reminds you of what your life is. i love everything about it. i love the way when you turn off all the lights to go to bed, you can see the outside opening up around you. i love the spanish tiles through the windows, the birdsong coming in from windows that don't latch completely. i love the oldness. the wires with no grounds and sparse outlets.

i think i will be fine on my own. i'm scared, but not of the things i thought i would be scared of. i'm not scared of being alone. not scared of people breaking in and getting me. not scared of taking a shower, or opening the windows, or coming home after dark.

i am scared of being divorced before my 1-year anniversary. of being far away from my family for once. of telling the people at work. of not knowing what comes next. its unknown. it's scary but so liberating. it's wonderful.

"we are very lost. and yet, it is an exhilarating feeling. for being lost implies the unknown, and that is exactly what we seek."
from the last expedition - gumball poetry.

Alice in Wonderland

Would you fall in love with someone because they quoted from Alice in Wonderland? that seems like as good a reason as any to me...

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright—
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done—
“It’s very rude of him,” she said,
“To come and spoil the fun!”

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead—
There were no birds to fly

Lewis Carol
Alice In Wonderland

astrophysics

i can breathe again and it is lovely. relief again and everthing will be just fine, dare i say perfect. it feels so... everything. exciting and falling in love and astrophysics.

but sometimes i feel stupid for hoping for the best when for so long [or not so long as the case may be] there was no best and stupider for thinking that now there is.

so much feels at stake but really there is nothing to lose... except that now i need you and now, i love you.

soulmates

can you imagine a better week? can you imagine a better feeling? everything is so extraordinarily perfect. or seeming to head in that direction. now i guess something tragic must occur, that is Murphy's Law i guess.

soulmate. maybe i said it prematurely, but what is time anyway? i still don't know exactly. i said it because i meant it and i still do mean it. and everything is happening prematurely and yet so intensely. so real. so perfect.

i tried to think whether i was making this up, it feels like a dream. but i couldn't imagine anything this lovely happening in this life. in that life, this life is new. do you know that after exactly two days, i was already fallen hopelessly, madly, insanely in love with you.