i want to be in love

what i want for valentine’s day is really simple.
it’s not a trip to the virgin islands, or a flower delivery, or jewelry.

what i want is you running the bathwater when i come home too late and too tired. you trusting me with your confidences and me being the first person you think to call with good news, and bad news too. you fixing a cup of coffee in the morning better than i could myself, knowing so exactly what i like and how i like it (and that goes for other things too). what i want is to always have you taking care of me: opening the car door, and lighting my cigarettes, and telling the waitress what i want, and, you know, i could go on and on...

what i want is to fall asleep touching you, my hand pressed against your chest, my lips inches from you neck. and when you aren’t there, i want to feel it even in my sleep, that you are missing.

what i want is to genuinely love and appreciate and enjoy you every day of the year, and not have christmas or my birthday or valentine’s day be any different.

this valentine’s day, and every day, what i want is exactly what i already have.

my secret

i feel like i'm the only one who really knows you, he said, i feel like you're my little secret.

this is me, now

this is how i know that i love you: my heart broke when you looked at me like that and said, are you trying to aggravate me?

this situation has made me do one thing i never ever wanted to do, depend on you to make me ok.

this week

can i say that while everything, every single thing has changed, it feels like nothing has. i've lost nothing. you are my everything, you are my home, you are my safety. can i say that i love you no more and no less for all of this. i love you the same as if we were at home in our apartment right now eating macaroni and cheese and drinking a beer. i love you the same as if we we had slept curled up together in our bed every night this week.

you have been so kind to me this week, through tragedy that i've never even dreamed of. you've been so compassionate, so loving, so understanding, so helpful. you've been my strength, you've let me lean on you. you've taken care of me this week, taken care of all of my physical, mental, emotional needs, and still you've made me feel equal, like it was ok, like you needed me just as much as i needed you. for that, for everything, i love you.

a beach wedding

today is our six month anniversary he said. we've lived together officially for six months, he said. and i said we don't officially live together, remember? and we don't. i have my own mailing address. i pay rent. i just sleep over a lot...

today is the file day. he says, soon we can start making plans, won't that be great? but i'm not sure i want to make plans. i like this. i like this day by day and not knowing anything, just that you are in love, you are happy in the morning to wake up with him and happy at night falling asleep.

i don't think i can make plans with someone, knowing how things can end up. i can't make plans, it's too scary. it will be a constant reminder that there is no guarantee, no point really in making plans. it's easy to trust someone when you aren't expecting anything from them at all. i want it to be easy. i want to trust him. don't expect anything. that makes it ok.

i don't want plans. if i make plans, i'll want to know that they are real, really real, and how can you ever know that? i can't trust plans, i don't want to ever be blindsided again.

his dad called me. he flirted with me. he said he likes me. he said i make his son feel young. i like that his dad called me. he also said that i need to take my tongue ring out. i didn't tell him that his son likes it in...

he said his dad asked him what are your intentions, meaning me and him. he said we are enjoying each other right now. i don't like the way that sounds, but i guess it is true. that means we have no plans, isn't that what i want? maybe he could have said we're in love. but that's different isn't it. less provable. more abstract. and then people would still expect plans. enjoying each other is different. at dinner the next day i said is that it? are we just enjoying each other? so, just so i know, you have no intention whatsoever of ever marrying me? i may have phrased it differently. wow, nothing like putting me on the spot. and then we joked around some. i helped steer the conversation away, then i said i like how you evaded that. like he did it, but really i did too. maybe he thought i was drunk from the margaritas. i wasn't. i didn't want an answer. and when he tried, i said shhh and touched his mouth. i'm not sure what that i even want too, why press him to decide? i don't want to want to. i think i equal it with knowing you will live happily ever after. i think i have a romantic, idealized view of marriage, even still, isn't that funny?

today in the car he said something to the effect that when we are married, how are we going to keep it from being bad. and i said easy, don't get married. and he said i thought you wanted to.
nope.
but i thought we were having kids, have them out of wedlock?
no kids.
but you said you wanted too.
maybe one day, not now.
but one day...
then silence. he must be confused, i know i am.

then i say: i do want to get married. i want to be married. i love weddings. i want to get married on the beach. really i just want to have beautiful pictures and be able to look at them and see the man i want to be with forever, to spend my whole life with. that's what i want. i say it all in one breath.

and he says really? because, i have a white linen shirt and khakis that i'd love to get married in. that's what it's like with him. i love him.

tonight, in n.y.

i think he's not going to call. but he promised.

thought creation

i asked him if he could read my mind. he seemed to be at breakfast. i've never been able to hide my feelings, that could be all it is. he is so intellegent and also a good "con man". that could be all it is. his intuitiveness combined with my obviousness. but i've noticed it other times too, he'll say out of nowhere exactly what i need to hear.

i asked him what are thoughts? he wasn't sure, but he said they aren't protien like long term memory is. he said it could be possible that during the process of thought creation something could be sent out that another person could recieve. but he said what's happening between us is simpler: that i am a part of him, an extension of him, and so it follows that he should be able to sense my thoughts as if they were his own.

proof

a year ago, i didn't think you existed. i didn't think this would be possible, to feel this way about someone and have it be so reciprocal. i certainly wasn't looking for you. but that is all a lie. because i was so lonely, even then i missed you. because i've always believed that this existed, and i've been looking for you all of my life.

how did he know?

he wanted me to decide between the impanema beach salad and the spinach and chicken quesadillas. i couldn't. so he suggested we rock paper scissors for it. i wanted to tell him to order the quesadillas, but he spoke too fast. he said that way either it'll force you to tell me what you really want right now, or i'll see from your face whether your happy or disappointed after we play. how could i tell him then? but the waitress came over too quickly, i think it was closer to closing time than i like to be, so we didn't have time to play for it, so he asked me again, and when he looked at me i said i really could go for either, and then he smiled and said we'll have the quesadillas. how did you know, i said. and he just said, i know you.

this morning, lying in bed, i said i have a doctor's appointment today. and he said oh. then he said, you know you don't have to get on the pill. i didn't tell him, but he knew. i really don't want to. i'd been thinking i might not. i like to think that anything's possible. that if it's meant to happen it will. i thought it would be good to go to the doctors, and that i'd get a prescription, and that then i would decide whether to fill it. i would tell him, but i hadn't yet. so how did he know?

ready

I've always wanted someone to love me like this, he said. and i think he means freely, honestly, openly. not holding back pieces so you have something whole left at the end, for yourself. for that implies doubt, and there's no room for doubt in love. i refuse to do that. let fear hold me back. extravagantly. that's how i want to love. i'd only heard that word used to describe spending habits, wild parties. never love. when i first heard it i almost cried. he was a priest. talking about how cruel humans can be. love extravagantly, he said, and leave the rest to god. that's all you have to do. it's so exactly how i want to live. without fear, without selfishness, without pretensions. you need to go all the way, eric said today. just jump off the ledge, you can't go after love half-heartedly. he said, i'm ready for everything, bring it on. and that's love. overwhelming, drowning, consuming. i'm ready for everything.

wasted

yesterday was so tense. we had a weird moment. i was clingy and ultrasensitive. i was freaked out about the semi-tantrum i threw over the roomate-entertaining drunk girls-wedding ring picture. he was stressed about his research talk and upset about having bought powerpoint for $250 and only realizing during installation that it was already on the computer. i thought he had an attitude and he thought i was mad that he was working at home. we went back and forth: are you mad at me? no, are you mad at me? do you still love me? yes, do you still love me?

finally, do you think we are too sensitive? YES. do you think we overtalk everything? YES. and no. i love communication. in that respect he's the perfect man. not only is he willing to let me verbally analyze every little thing that occurs, he actively participates and even begins some of the discussion. and he doesn't mind going over the same thing again and again. perfect. except that he's feeding a neurosis that i inherited from my mother and have been fighting twenty six years to break.

he worked while i organized pictures on my new laptop. he looked over my shoulder.
is that him?
yes.
you don't have to delete them.
i want to. do you want to see my wedding pictures?
and he said sure.

i had the prettiest wedding, the most beautiful day. if you didn't know better, if you were just looking from outside, you'd think it was perfect. and the wedding was. but even then i knew that he was wrong.

then he brought out the two photo albums she left tied with a big white satin bow around them. do you want to see these? i knew it was a bad idea, but i said ok anyway. i hate seeing him like that. young. in new york. studying. their first apartment. graduation. breakfast in bed on his birthday, shirtless. adorable. holding a big bouquet of flowers out for her. and her stupid cutesy captions typed out in pink and black next to everything. i can't think of him like that. i want him to be just mine. i want to be his memories. i knew i shouldn't have looked.

i think that's why i don't take pictures like i used to. it's so pointless. so fake. wasted energy, wasted emotions, useless memories. i have all of these pictures from the past. smiling and happy with someone. but i don't want pictures of it, i want to still be smiling and happy.

downstairs

it's funny the way memories work. one minute you can be sitting downstairs in the dirty garage under his apartment building, cross-legged holding your still full bottle of beer and smoking a cigarette, listening to sewage flush through the pipes overhead and watching people bring their wet dogs up in the elevators. and he says you are beautiful. and instantly you are sitting on your chair in the little greek restaurant, moments out of the freezing rain and snow, you've just taken off your hat and gloves and coat, the lady asks if you mind if she turns off the television in favor of some music, and you are giddy with love and changes happening everywhere around you, and he takes your hands across the table and he looks in your eyes and he says you are beautiful.

pasts

we went out for crawfish and beer. pantera. that got me talking. too much. i said did i say too much. and he said i want to know everything.

but i don't want you to change the way you look at me. and he said we both have pasts, i would change nothing, everything in your past is what makes you you. and i love you.

but i know he was upset to think about it. and i hadn't thought about that stuff in years. and i could remember whole scenes, holograms in my mind. overwhelming memories, overwhelming in the sense that i can feel exactly what i felt at that moment, uncertainty, embarrassment, mixed with something else...

trees

he dislikes pine trees, who's branches grow in right angles. (but he likes cypress trees?) pine trees, they don't provide shade and the whole sap thing is a problem. he likes oak trees-- he likes trees that sprawl, that are more evolved.

he's into technology and innovation, but says he cherishes quaintness and history.

he wants an antique boat and an amphibious airplane. he wants a house on the lake, and one on a beach, and one in the mountains. all i want is a porch swing.

everything

he said i am his everything. he said he loves me so much.
and i said how much. he said as far as the east is from the west.
and he said he will love me forever.

the existence of ether

i love that he makes me think of magical things, things that don't have any use in the real world. he likes to talk about things and learn about things and explain things to me. that's what i love so much about him. he knew so many definitions of ether, when i barely knew one. and he knew exactly how to say it. i had to take the time and space book out because i only vaguely remembered having seen it before, at first i thought it was her name. he uses words like the propagation of light in normal conversation. he is magical.

it's too soon, but that doesn't change anything

I've seen your face a thousand times.
Have all your stories memorized.
I've kissed your lips a million ways.
But I still love to have you around.
I've held you too many times to count.
I think I know you inside out.
And we’re together most days.
But I still love to have you around.
You’re the one I want and it's not just a phase.
You’re the one I trust, our love is THE REAL THING.

You’re a salty water ocean wave.
You knock me down, you kiss my face.
I know the storms will always come.
But I still love to have you around.
Heaven knows what will come next.
So emotional, you’re so complex.
A rollercoaster built to crash.
But I still love to have you around.

It’s you there when I close my eyes.
And you in the morning.
I never thought you’d still be mine.
Or I’d really need to have you around.
Don't go away. My love. I want you to stay. In my life.
Don’t go away. My lover. I need you, you’re my love supply.

gwen stefani, the real thing

come back

if i was sure before then now i am utterly convinced. yesterday, i just felt all day so overwhelmed by how much i love him. all i could do was think about him, smile. i felt like a teenager crushing madly, or that first love before everything crashes. maybe it is too soon, maybe i do need time alone, really alone, but so what. here he is and he is perfect and so what if it seems unlikely, or too much coincidence or what. maybe i wasn't as honest with myself in the beginning. maybe it was him. maybe he was special enough to pull me out of the quicksand, or make me pull myself out. maybe it was him since the beginning. so why should i struggle against it? i shouldn't and i won't. i'm so happy. i miss him, but it's bearable because i believe he's going to come back.

don't ever leave me

I love you.
I love you, so much.
Do you need me?
I need you. Don't ever leave me. I can't live without you.

Things are bad, and good. Sad, and happy. But sad too.

parties

she sent a birthday party invitation addressed to Daddy's Girlfriend*. and my sister thinks we should go.

*adulterous liason

i could be wrong...

he is so worried about the kids. he should be. he said how do you feel about me getting custody? and i said i think that would be great for them. he said but what about you? and i said what about me? and he said do you want two kids?

i don't know why things like that surprise me. things like we have a future, like this is real. maybe i think you shouldn't say those things out loud. like you're jinxing it or something. maybe because i know how quickly everything can change. today you're thinking about your future together and tomorrow he's only your past. maybe that won't happen to us. i can imagine only him forever. wouldn't that be so wonderful, so perfect. i'm not sure if i believe in happy endings. i'm not sure what i believe in anymore. only that right now, this is perfect. and right now is it.

they will love you, he said. and i said, i've always said i wanted kids but i don't want to have them. and he said perfect. and i said but i wanted a girl. and we were getting up so i don't know for sure, i could be wrong, but i think he said, well do you want to try?

dancing

where did all of this come from? how did i get so lucky? and how am i supposed to sit at my desk all day when i feel like dancing?

right now

and after a few hours to think it over, this is what i sent...

You distract me, I can't think clearly around you. When I'm around you, all I can think about is how much I like you and want things to be good for you, instantly better. But, right now, I'm only sort of okay, I'm sure it's temporary. I know we talked a lot last night, but I want you to read this anyway.

I do love you and trust you. I even understand, really I do. I understand why you would be in the habit of instinctually lying to avoid potential confrontation. It's only natural. I think that's what happened. I don't think you thought about it. I don't think you intentionally lied to me (at first, but then you did, which is different). And I also don't think it's the first time. I've felt before things that didn't make sense, little stupid things, mostly stuff with her, but not important stuff, so I never pushed it. I'm not going to. I'm not falling into that role; it's not one I want. But I also don't want you to lie to me about anything (no matter how small), accidentally or instinctually (or intentionally). Can you can change that? If you can, then this is not something that's going to destroy our relationship. If you can't, then it will.

Now, here's the part I'm not so sure about, because here I might just be being crazy or overreacting... but whenever you talk about changing you're address, you start explaining who and what and why. That's not what I want. But I also don't want you to just say ok, I'll change everything either. That's worse to me. I just want an honest answer. Even if the answer is something you don't think I will like. Or even if it's that you don't want to talk about it. Whatever it is. Nothing you can say will change the way I feel about you, you need to know that. Nothing. I hate when a person would lie simply because they are scared to tell me the truth (or embarrassed, or whatever).

I want someone who can tell me what they think or why they did things no matter what they think I will think. I want us both to be completely open and honest with each other no matter what it means or might mean. I need that. Because little things turn into big things and suddenly one day you're with someone you don't know or like. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but I promised myself I would be. I promised I wouldn't compromise on things like this.

I can't remember if we've talked before about this or not, I think we did. But one of my biggest problems with X was that he lied about stupid things. One time that stands out is when I called to see if he had eaten dinner yet and he said no even though he was at McDonald's eating at the time. We fought terribly because he had lied. I couldn't comprehend why he would lie over something like that. And all it was is that he didn't want to disappoint me, because I didn't cook too often and he thought I might be cooking dinner. I can understand the logic, but it's still unacceptable. Even tiny, unimportant, accidental lies count because when you need trust for the bigger things, the important things, it has already been shaken.

Now, I do love you terribly. I also feel a lot better just sending you this email. I love you and I'm not mad and I think we will have a good weekend. I'm sure there are some things that will come up for both of us, especially because we both do have pasts and past issues. But I also think that the little things like this that happen are incredibly miniscule compared to how amazingly wonderful and happy and smart and special you make me feel. So what do you think?

have a crappy day

I wasn't ready for this yet. I wanted him to stay perfect.

Ok, it was just a teeny, tiny, lie, but it was horribly done. That little lie had like at least three big issues in it.

First, don't fuckin lie to me. Period. But especially when you were married when you started seeing me, still have an absolutely crazy wife that you will see very often, and have a business that will probably have you traveling all over the country. Because, in my experience, if you lie about one thing, you'll lie about anything.

Second, don't make me act like a petty bitch. We both know you're lying, don't make me have to prove it. I didn't even want to ask the questions, it was so lame. I almost didn't, I just thought ok, whatever, but when I was sitting in the bathtub, I realized that what you said to cover the lie was a lie. Emailing him when you first found out you needed them? That's what you had me do over the phone.

So, when exactly did you send the email the first time?
So, why did you have me send it again? So, you copied from my email and the text just changed?
You don't need to look into it, that's impossible.
You sent that many emails that you don't remember? What exactly did you have to send to him?
So, really only one email.
Who the fuck cares?

Funny thing is most people at that point would get mad, like, what don't you trust me. Or like, this is so stupid for you to be questioning me about. He was very nice, and patient, and explaining everything. Maybe because he's smart enough to know that acting defensive makes you seem like a liar. I'm scared that is exactly why he was so nice. Because he is a good liar. A people person? A con man? See, I've felt before that things didn't make sense, little stupid things, mostly stuff with his wife, but I never pushed it. I'm not going to. I'm not falling into that role, it's not one I want. So, I know this most likely isn't the first time he's lied to me.

I know it's such a little thing to lie about, normally I would laugh, but not in this case. I'm really mad about this--not the lie per say, but that things were so good and they might be fucked up because of the address he used in an email. That part makes me really mad.

Second issue. While we're on the subject, why isn't he changing his address on things anyway? What is that about? Whenever I try to talk about it he starts explaining who and what and why, but that's not what I want. And he knows it. I don't want him to say ok, I'll change everything either, I just want him to tell me why he isn't. Even if the answer is something I won't like. Especially then.

Because that's the third issue [boy, this transitioned well, didn't it]: I want someone who can tell me what they think or why they did things no matter what they think I will think. I hate a person who would lie simply because they are scared to tell me the truth. [Or embarrassed, or whatever.] That is so lame. He has no reasons yet and has already done it. He's never even seen me mad or act unreasonable [I don't think]. He didn't have to live through that fast food incident, when I cooked a nice dinner and my ex stopped by McDonald's on the way home. After that, all the Burger King bags and even KFC boxes stayed in his truck. That's somewhat understandable. This is not.

So, what do I do now? I don't want things to change. But they have, haven't they. And little things turn into big things and suddenly one day you're with someone you don't know or like. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but I promised myself I would be. I promised I wouldn't compromise at all, that next time as soon as I found something I couldn't live with I would bail. Why drag it out. People don't change. And I can't live without trust. You know, I was willing to put up with so much drama, I just wanted to be there for him and us both to be happy. Compared to all the other stuff this is nothing. So why is it more important to me? Maybe because all the other stuff isn't him, and this is.

What a crappy weekend it's going to be.

detective

while you were doing your detective work, i was unfortunately learning more about you than i ever wanted to know. but i can tell you that if you think calling all night leaving messages, trying to knock down doors, breaking my things and threatening to make me lose my job is going to change the way i feel about him, then you really are crazy. if anything, it makes me feel stronger. like he needs me--needs protection, support, love, affection, normalcy. he deserves it. it makes me want to show both of us what a relationship should be like. i'm scared still, but it makes me feel righter, if that's possible.

i feel sorry for you. i know how bad i would feel if i did something to screw this up, as new and imperfect as it is, i would still regret it. so you, one day, might feel millions of times worse. because you had so much more than i do now. i'm going to try to remember that, and try to operate in love only and not in pain if i ever have to deal with you, because you seem to be in enough pain on your own.

last night

i tried to sleep last night, i really tried. but i couldn't. so, after one night, i feel good, like i needed some time alone, some me time, but after two nights i am a wreck. when i did fall asleep, i had nightmares about him. i hate those kinds, the ones that are emotional nightmares as opposed to floods and fires and bad men. my dreams all feel so real. i woke up drained.

maybe because when i called last night (at 1 am on my way home), he didn't talk very much. he said he was sleeping, we'd talk tomorrow. i thought he might be mad. maybe because i felt guilty. i keep thinking when i was out that i needed to call him. i kept imagining i could lay in bed and hear his voice. i kept wanting to leave, but then i thought that was a stupid thing to think, because i was having fun and good conversation and nice people, and i felt bad that i'd rather be in my car where i could call him. i didn't want to be like this, but i am. i am in love.

c wanted me to meet someone. b's friend. he said, sit here in my chair for me while i get another one. right next to him, almost on top of him. no one's going to get your chair, i said. but he insisted. so, i sat down right next to the boy who was pretending not to notice anything and said, could you tell he wanted me to sit next to you? and it broke a little tension, we both laughed, then i pulled my chair away some and he said, thanks, i was feeling a little crowded, and we both laughed again. arkwardness narrowly avoided.

he was a nice guy, entertainng, seemed smart, but he wasn't you. and i want you. but how do you tell someone you have a boyfriend when you can't tell them who, when, where, or how? i tried the i'm not ready yet line, but c said, for what? to hook up. i just want to introduce you, he's not the type to hook up anyway, he said. so i said, then what's the point? but no luck. c locked up the door and made me exit through the bar, where of course, their was no exit.

you know, i like gay bars. the girls' bathroom lines are nonexistent. last night, i was literally the only female in the whole bar. it's nice being around all gay guys. it's refreshing. really is. they are just as crude and perverted as straight guys, but it's not uncomfortable. it's just funny, not creepy because it's not directed at you. there's not that uncomfortableness of having to make small talk. or whatever. i think it's good for me. it's tiring to constantly be on the lookout for creepiness.

and it's constant song and dance. literally. k is always belting out show tunes, m is always performing some dramatic monolougue, and when b starts talking about drag queen movies he acts out the scene. last night he did "the bug" and "the roach" from hairspray. hilarious.

last night i said, you know, i'm the only woman here. usually, it would be like great, no competition, but that's really not the case at all. m laughed. then he said something really sweet. he said, i bet you don't ever have competition, you're so pretty. k and i were talking about you a little while ago, how you can probably work it when you want to. [let me just say that all of these gay men look better than i do, they spend more time on hair and outfits and sometimes makeup and just generally looking good. i show up in tshirts and ponytails with little or no makeup, they must think i'm crazy.] he said, sometimes when your just sitting there, you get a few minutes of that self-confidence come over your face, that working it look. i bet sometimes you wake up and are just like i'm going crazy tonight, i'm going to work it.

ok, let's just say the closest i ever come to that is i'm getting drunk tonight [which probably is my working it, since then i'll dance or do whatever all night and never worry about being self-conscious] and even that i haven't done in a good six months. but it was sweet, what he said, non-the-less.

survival

well, i survived. was it fun? no, i missed going to sleep next to him, and waking up. i woke up super early. i felt like at home, when i would think of him first thing in the morning and not know when or if i would see him or hear his voice. so, it wasn't fun but it was fine.

you know, i guess it will be like this a lot. and where will i live after? on weekends or weeks or whenever when his kids are here? i guess i shouldn't get too cozy, cause there will be a forever of this to look forward too.

i got so mad this morning. looking around the apartment. shaking glass out of my clothes and towels. how could she have made such a mess in so short of a time?

my glasses are warped, they were covered with beer and soy sauce. you know she broke a little purse my neice (my other sort of one) made for me last Christmas. A little ceramic purse with a gold chain handle. she painted it and glued fake jewels to it. it was really precious to me. i started to take it home the other day, but i was worried about it getting messed up in my purse. just lovely.

it makes me so mad that she can act like that, break my stuff, destroy everything, hurt her kids, and nothing happens to her. she can still make her evening appointment with her girlfriends, or whatever she has planned. she just gets away with it. with not acting normal. with doing whatever the hell she wants. and what happens? people say, she's such a good mother. what a wonderful person. what is the world coming to?

and i think that once this is over. once it's all final, she's not going to go away. i bet anytime we have anything planned or happening, she'll find a way to mess it up. that's what worries me, that if this thing does last, things will be fucked up forever.

i don't want a bad life. i don't want to be forever halfway in his life. i don't want to not be allowed at his kids birthday parties, or whatever. i hate that. right now, i don't care, it's normal right now. i don't even want to meet his kids until all this is over. i hated that day at mcdonalds. i don't want it to be like that. but one day, say we do get married, or really move in together, or something. what happens then? surely, i will have to meet her. i don't want it to be like in those movies. but i guess i can't worry about that yet. there's enough other things to worry about.

i think the best thing is to just go about my life as planned, and not worry too much about him or her or what's going to happen. just worry about me right now.

easy?

whoever said life was easy lied. but you know what, you have to take the good with the bad. and when you find something good, maybe you gotta put up with a lot of things. maybe you need that to make you appreciate it. maybe.

you know, i never even had to stop and wonder if he's worth it. sometimes, yes, i wonder if this is for nothing. if, at the end, things will just disintegrate or worse, something horrible will happen to make me think, you know, i never knew this person at all. not really. but those are just moments of thinking, what i feel tells me he's good, tells me he's genuine and good and will be good for me. not hurt me. i want to trust somebody. i don't want to look over my shoulder and wonder about things.

she said, the more i hear, the more i dislike him. and when i think about it like that, i feel the same way. but when i go with my heart, when i just feel him, i know it's real. and i know i can't lose this. sure, if something happened i would be ok. i would go on, live, breathe. i don't need him. i've never been so ok on my own as now. so sure of myself. but for whatever reason i found him now, and i don't intend to let him go over things that are out of his control. i want to be there for him. i want to be good for him. i want to have what i never had, to show him what he knew it could be like...

i like it when you say things that imply we have a future. of course we do, he said. we do. i think things could/will be so good for us. to wake up every day next to someone you can't get enough of. literally can't get enough of. [i read that today on a review for a musician. how can that be literally, i asked. how?] but anyway, to wake up across the bed and absolutely hate that you spent that time, however many hours or minutes you were asleep and across the bed, hate that you spent that time out of his arms, even though you were sleeping, when you could have been holding him. that's what every day could be like.

i love his face. i love sitting next to him. i just love everything about him. everything. because really, this other stuff isn't about him. it's not his fault. i want to be there when this is over. because maybe he doesn't, but i think he needs me.

i think, when i pray, i say thank you for giving me this person. thank you for giving me something so wonderful i couldn't have imagined i'd feel this way. i know you wouldn't have had me meet this person and feel this way if it wasn't right. because if it's not right then everything i know is wrong.

he said, am i worth this much trouble? and i said you're worth ten times this much trouble, maybe a hundred times worth this trouble. and what i meant was, you're worth a million times this much trouble. but i can't say that yet, can i?

it was only a kiss

It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

the beginning of this song reminds me so much of him. I remember that first kiss so vividly, and not because it was only a few months ago (it feels like decades have passed). because i've never been kissed quite like that. it was magical. i can honestly say that i wouldn't be here now if he wasn't such a freakin-amazing kisser.

again, what?

there's funny things he says and sweet things. like, i love the way you fit my body perfectly. things that make me think he just might feel the same way as i do, and then things that make me wonder what on earth he does think. like, do you feel like you're wasting time? no, do you? like, do you miss watching porn at home every night? what? like, do you really want to marry a gay man? again, what? did i do something to make you think that? i hope not...

me too

i'm glad you're my boyfriend, i say.
me too, he says, i'm glad you're my girlfriend.
are you just mine? i say.
just yours.
i like you being mine, i say.

no, really

ok, how stupid am i? no, really. someone needs to just give it to me straight. sure, he's great. the sex stuff has never been this perfect. he's kind and sensitive and is always saying the right things. he's smart and ambitious and successful. and he's madly, terribly, in love with me. (he didn't know what love is until he met me, love at first sight might i add, how sweet is that? i would think it's bullshit except he feels so genuine.)

and, after four months, he still talks to his wife (ex?) every day. still does everything she wants him to do. she still pays his bills (i mean writes them out and sends them in). he still leaves our apartment by 8:30 am on weekend days to be home before she goes where ever she's going for the day. and he still hasn't even told anyone that he's moved out. that they're separated, getting divorced. sure, his family know, but she told them. maybe his friends and some people at church know, but she told them too. when his friends confronted him, he told them he was having problems and they were being resolved. that means divorce, he said to me, but that could also mean a lot of other things. sure, she knows he's seeing someone, she figured that out on her own. and she still thinks they have a chance. he has kids, but come one, is that really all this is about?

voice mail

we are lying on the wooden floor of my apartment.

you have the most wonderful opportunity, she begins, to be free. The opportunity to be freer than you've ever been before... and then she goes through the list of what is wrong with him, from childhood crap, identity issues, work/business issues, to spirituality issues.

And honey, i don't like you very much either right now, but i still have love and passion for you, she says. then she attacks him again for bringing someone else into their lives, and says that god won't bless either of us.

then she says that i am a harlot, which to me is still name-calling even disguised as a biblical reference, and calls me the reason he doesn't like her anymore (although he says from the wedding day that he knew she was not who she pretended to be).

And after all of that that he makes me listen to, the only thing i can think to say is, how dare she call you honey...

some guys

there's something to say for guys who don't have crazy wives calling all night and leaving voice mail scripture references for them on your cell phone.

for guys who don't think they're about to be diagnosed with semi-terminal illnesses and have you seeing all of the symptoms (even though the tests come back negative).

for guys you can go out in public with and not have to hide the fact that you're living with them from your friends, family and virtually every other living person on the planet.

it's no wonder i'm having anxiety and panic attacks like never before. but you know, at night when it's just me and him, all the paranoia and other bullshit fades away, and it's so totally worth it.

the things he says...

i can't wait for this to be all over with, he says. and then he says, i am so excited about out future together. and i laugh, but inside i think, he sees me in his future!

and when my phone rings, he says, i'm not jealous, i just don't want you to fall in love with anyone else. and he says, i'm sorry, i just hate to think of you with anyone else, no matter how long ago it was.

and at night when we are sitting downstairs, he says, you are so beautiful. how did i get this lucky. and why are you with me?

and in the morning he says, i love my life. and part of what he means is that he loves me in it.

and then when i said, i think you needed someone, he says, no, i needed you...

are you worried?

Last night. He started laughing. It was sweet. We were both laughing. I was so tired. I said what are you laughing at? He said, are you worried about me turning 37? And I said no, it just occurred to me that I'm getting old. I'm so tired. And it was funny. Surreal. Comfortable. We both laughed, collapsed. I'm tired too.

After a few minutes we got into our sleep position. I talked about I don't remember what. How much I love him, maybe, how nice it was, maybe, that he had to turn 36 first before 37. I know-- it was whether he would want someone younger when I get a few years older, (although the age difference won't depreciate). Are you ready for sleep? he said. But I'm not tired anymore.

He said, the problem is, I keep going in and out of dreams as we talk. That's not a problem, I said. And he said, this is as good as it gets. And then I must have fallen asleep.

i love my life

So many people aren't happy. People in nice, solid relationships that seem to have it all together. And secretly, they're jealous of the guy who just divorced his wife and moved into an apartment with nothing but a bed and flat-screened tv. People overwhelmed with their own success, drowning in material possessions and walking through life doing what they are supposed to do instead of what fulfills them, feeds their spirit. Taking life too seriously. I dream of walking away, leaving everything, not looking back, starting over, he said.

And that's what he needs. Forget marriage counseling and psychiatrists and separate holidays. Life's too short to waste time trying to convince yourself that happiness isn't necessary. That if you're able to exist without going utterly insane, that's enough. I feel so lucky, it was so easy, but so many people are scared to do it. I guess it was hard, but it was so necessary for me that I really didn't have a choice.

I told my psychologist about what you did, walking away from everything, and she says you are a very brave strong girl, she said. No, it was easy. And now I never have to be one of those people. It's so wonderful. Never have to act happy, act satisfied, act loving and caring about someone I can't really stand being around. Never have to feel his touch and try to convince myself that it's not that bad, close my eyes so he doesn't see the disgust. I never could hide my feelings. Turn off the lights and get it over with. Or drink a bottle of wine to conjure up that lust that should come naturally, effortlessly.

Because they say that it's work, that it's hard work to make a relationship work, but it shouldn't be. I bought into that for far too long. It shouldn't be that hard. It should be compromise, yes, but not changing, giving in until you forget what it feels like to be you. It should be easy. Love is easy. Happiness is easy. The rest is a lie.

And now he says, I love my life. I love being me. And he means it. It sounds silly to say out loud, but it's the most wonderful thing you could say really. And I feel it too. I love my life. No, everything's not perfect, far from really, I don't even have a living room couch or dining table and my checkbook's close to overdrawn. People would not be jealous of me. But I love being me. I love my life. It's even better because I know what it's like to be on the right track, doing what you should do, the whole college, job, homeowner, married track, and I know how wrong it was. So I'm free. I'm potential. I'm whatever the hell I want. And I'll never get caught in the trap again, I'll make sure of that. And he's right, it just doesn't get any better than this. except, it's getting better every day.

crazy is relative, isn't it?

everything's so tangled up, i feel like it's a struggle just to keep my head above water. and in the midst of all the craziness and being out of control, beyond my control, there's the feeling i have whenever he's close. you know that feeling, like nothing can hurt you, like this moment is the only one that matters. Safe, that's what he feels like. and home. it adds to the confusion. you forget everything that's brewing outside, the storms and the rages that might happen. you forget that things aren't this perfect, until something horrible does happen and then it's too late. you know you should have known better, done things differently, but there really wasn't a choice to make, was there?